I havent typed in awhile but today I need to just go. My Grandma passed away yesterday, I was on my home from Flordia when I got the call telling me she was gone. I honestly have questioned so many times in the time since I got the call if its a cruel joke. Even after going straight to her house after arriving back in town. I want to collapse and just scream. I sit and think of all the memories and the laughs because its all I can do right now but it makes it that much harder knowing I cant make new memories with her and Im relaying on all the ones I do have. I will no longer hear here voice, no longer get to hug her and squeeze her or feel her pat on me. I cant just call her and tell her I love her or tell her Happy Birthday. I will never recieve a call on my birthday telling me "Happy Birthday and that she loves me". Normally she would call before I even woke up and leave a voicemail and then I would call her back, this past year I was actually up when she called so I dont even have the voicemail which kills me. I have 1 voicemail from her telling me she was in the hospital so I didnt need to go over and clean. Its just her simply saying hello. I know that life continues but Im not ready and I dont think it thas completely set in that shes really gone, it just doesnt make any sense. 

   I typed all that up on January 4th, Its been 3 weeks and a day and a half since she took her last breath and it still feels like yesterday when I got that call. I talk to her everyday and cry everyday that shes not here. Back before Christmas she had asked me to "babysit" a large stuffed chicken that my mom and dad had boughten for her so I agreed and put it in my car, I have yet to remove it from my backseat and am torn what to do....in one aspect I feel like shes with me while I drive and that shes watching over me and I feel comforted with him in the backseat but then I feel like maybe I should bring him in the house so nothing happens but I dont know what to do. I think for now he will continue to be my driving buddy. I have been to her grave 1 time since we laid her to rest and it still doesnt feel real. The dirt was still fresh and it hurt so bad. I took her some flowers and placed them by her heart but still couldnt come to terms with the fact that the one who took half my heart when she left is really gone. I have my good days and I have my bad days where I just cry randomly throughout the day....today is one of those days and it started at 5:30 this morning. I told her this morning I really just wanted to break down and Im ready to lose it just havent done it yet. I miss her so much my heart breaks daily at the fact that shes gone and not coming back and that I cant simply pick up the phone and give her a call. The only way I can hear her voice is to play back a voicemail that I have saved on my phone.