How?

 How do you tell someone that you, let along the people closest to you that you're not happy??? Like legit go through days where you don't know if you want to laugh or cry or scream.  I get so angry so fast and then I just want to cry but I cant say anything to anyone because the way my brain is wired I think the worst of everything and I think that if I we're to say something to someone they would just brush it off or not believe me. Like I've said in a few other of my posts, I cant even get excited for Christmas and thats like my one thing yearly that I look forward to ALL year. Maybe its this fucking covid shit that makes it worse this year. Not going to work, not being able to go out cant live a normal life and do normal things. I don't even feel I can tell my boyfriend how unhappy I am....he just blows everything off like its nothing...every serious conversation I have tried to have with him goes no where. He doesn't want to talk about serious things... we don't even have an actual anniversary date... we had some things going on when we started dating so we never had an official date that we can say we started dating on this date...so I tried asking him about it..saying since thats the case we could kind of pick one so I asked his opinion. Like I do on just about everything because I feel that we are in this together that we should both be making tve decisions, and his response was as usual that he didn't know whatever I wanted and went back to watching tv. Like seriously dude! This shit happens to be important to ME! In that moment it made me feel like complete shit and put the thought in my head that maybe he didn't really care about me or us like I do. This not being able to go anywhere or do anything can go to hell...not that we could anyways because me being laid off I am only bringing in so much and that covers my main bills and my Scentsy pay has now taken over paying for our cable bill, leaves him paying for everything so we don't have extra money to do anything, but we can't even make it through a show together without him falling asleep on the couch. Most days he goes to work, comes home, I make dinner (somedays he does) we eat and then he goes to sleep. And most days he's off work and home about 330. So that leaves us time to spend together and instead hes sleeping. Like I ligit do not know what to do. How do I talk to people about this? I have MAJOR issues talking to people and it takes a lot of courage for me to be able to bring up a major conversation. It takes days of me stewing over the situation and fighting with myself and going over all different outcomes that could potentially play out for me to finally just spill it and ever right before I decide to say anything my brain is still going nuts and my heart rate sky rockets, I avoid eye contact and feel like I cant find the words to make it make sense to the othet person and for it to not sound stupid or ridiculous when it finally comes out. 

Happy Thursday

 It's Thursday morning and I have been up since 5 after not going to bed until 2:30, multitasking at the moment...watching The Bachelorette (So I can discuss with a friend later..if she watched it yet), sharing about the sale Scentsy is having today..trying to share it to Instagram but cant figure that out on the computer yet and attempting to do my Christmas cards so I can get those in the mail today..and pray they get to their destination before Christmas Day (probably should have mailed them back in March for that though). So last nights blog was an ode to not really being stressed too much other than the damn animals being their butt selves lol...and then my boyfriend has to go and raise that stress to like a 1000 by waking up from his nap on the couch and going to bed....mind you...some days it doesnt bother me and then there are others that just shoot my stress through the roof when he does some of the things that he does. So some days he wakes up from his naps, grabs his phone and goes up to bed leaving me to cover up the bird for the night, take the dinner dishes to the kitchen, clean them off if there is still food on them, put them in the sink, put dinner away if there are any left overs, make sure the dogs have been out for the last time for the night, pick up the living room so that the cats dont have anything to get into while we're sleeping, make sure the blinds are closed, turn of the tv and turn off all the lights that have been left on...if he does take his dishes to the kitchen very rarely do they actually make it to the sink...most times they end up on the counter right by the doorway between the dining room and kitchen..if they make it past that point they get put on the counter directly next to the sink....like are you f***ing me??? You cant go that extra like second and actually place them in the sink...mind you he had to physically pass the sink to place the dishes on the counter thats next to it...so you're telling me that you couldnt just place them in the sink...if they dont have food left on them. Why do I let these things piss me off? Like I said most days I dont but then there are days where I get so pissed about the stupid little things. Some days it just shoots my stress up to a level 100 and he doesnt even realize it. Like I literally asked him the one day why couldnt he just put the dishes in the sink and the response that I got was "you're lucky I even put them in the kitchen" Ugg I so want to just scream on some days. Why must men piss us off to so much some times?? Do you know how many times I seriously just want to leave the kitchen the way it is and leave the stuff in the living room and leave the shit undone so maybe he would realize all the shit I have to do once he gets up and goes upstairs but then me being me I would feel like shit leaving rhe house a mess like that. Like what do I do????  

Not Nearly As Stressed

 So I guess you could say that today was an ok day, I'm not nearly as stressed to day as I have been, I guess  you could say I am still holding out that hope that my job will be returning here soon...fingers crossed and today I got a message from another co-worker to keep an eye on our work app, but as always our jobs are "subject to change" but from the sounds of it we may be doing our work training, that we do yearly...we call it Kick Off...the week of the 4th and could possibly be going back to work on the 11th! That would be the best news to start off the new year!!! I haven't lit my tree in 2 days and my boyfriend hasn't even asked why it hasn't been on... just goes to show either he hasnt noticed..which I'm not sure how that's possible since some of the lights blink and the star on the top blinks as well and it's right next to the tv...or if he simply doesnt care that it's not on. He doesn't even know that I am just not in the holiday spirit this year and honestly I don't feel like telling him, I really dont want to open that can of worms...I am not usually the type to tell people when things are truly bothering me..I tend to tell some people somethings and others I tell something else...both are true things that are going on but it's just so no one knows exactly everything going on. My animals are driving me NUTS! I have 2 dogs, 2 cats and a bird....My female...Harper...is in heat...so that entails that my Male...Rocky...(her actual brother..they share the same dad) has to keep trying to get himself some...so ALL DAMN DAY I am yelling him to leave her alone, shes 7 months old and we are not wanting puppies. She gets locked up if neither of us is home so we don't have to worry about it then lol. I have an older cat who we got off a fellow Scentsy Comsultant almost a year ago..we got him when he was about 6 months old...well we recently got a new kitten and now the older cat.. Dash seems to think that its ok to not use the liter box anymore...he's fixed thank god so hes not spraying but I watched him piss on my floor right next to me and I got so mad! Our younger one...Leo...has decided that he doesnt like using the liter box either so he shits all over my house. So not only have I been stressed about household things, and job things..now i am stressed over animal things...like can I just have a day where nothing major stresses me out??? Like is that too much to ask? Forget if I am trying to do something like post anything going on for Scentsy or like earlier when I was trying to get my stuff situated for my Christmas gifts that all the damn animals (well 3 out of 5) have to be in my way...both dogs in my lap and the youngest cat walking on my chest. I wanted to scream earlier because of it. And unfortunelty I am the only one who can take the dogs outside or feed them...because I have been the only one since day 1 that has been the one (other than my mom) that has been taking them out and now they will not go out for my boyfriend. I love that they love me and trust me enough to do this but some days it gets so on my nerves its not even funny because I cant just do something without them jumping in my lap asking to go out..Rocky jumps in my lap and paws at my hands until I get up to take them out. Like I said most days I dont care and I love my dogs to death but some days I really just want to be able to sleep in and I cant do that. From 5am on they are asking to go out. As I type this blog I have Leo walking on the laptop and on me and just being annoying and being in the way, I try pushing him away and he wants nothing to do with that..he wants to walk on me and it's driving me nuts. he doesnt take no for an amswer and I can't see the keyboard or the screen when he gets in my way. I have to keep picking him up and putting him on the other side of the couch, its a good thing i know where most of the keys are on the keyboard, until he wants to walk on the keyboard. Well that's it for now, time for bed before Leo decided that he wants to hit a button and delete all of this. 

 So dont get me wrong, I ABSOLUTELY love Christmas, however with the way things are currently going, I have honeslty considered taking my tree down, I had the thought when I was putting it up, and while I was decorating it Alone...since my boyfriend said he would help me and low and behold did not...I mean I get that some guys dont get into the whole tree decorating thing but I want to share the joy in decorating with him, I had asked him back before the tree was even up if he was going to help me decorate it this year, since he didnt help last year, which right there should have been my indication that I was probably never going to get his help in decorating, but this time I got the response "sure I'll help you!" Ohh that response made me so excited to put the tree up!! The joys of decaorating a tree with a loved one just puts a smile on my face and seems I dont decorate a tree with my mom anymore since I dont live at home it just made sense. Fast forward to maybe 2 weeks ago...I FINALLY got him to put up the lights outside (with a little help from our wonderful neighbor)  but we are not done...I just got more to finish the upstairs half of the house lol but thats not the point lol. So we came back inside and I thought that this would be a great time to finish the tree...I had put 3 ornaments on it when i put the lights on it...so I got all excited and said "ok babe, lets get this tree finished" and I turned around to look where he was...he had taken off his shoes and sat down on the couch and just picked up the tv remote... the response I got pretty much broke my heart... "I'm not helping you decorate, I dont want to and I dont know why you asked me to". Like seriously I dont ask much and this year has been a little difficult so you would think that asking him to decorate wasnt the worst thing in the world...like spending 20 maybe 30 minutes helping me isnt askin a lot of you, but instead, just like last year...wrestaling was way more important. I hold everything in as it is, so I cant tell him how hurt it made me. What good would it do honestly anyways, it's not like when i try telling him whats wrong that he actually listens anyways...Im unfortunelty the type of person who needs reassurance on things, it could be a number of things at random times, like we could be having a conversation and I make a comment and hope for some reassurance in return that everything is ok...like for example the one day we were talking about one of his exs, and I made a comment about worrying about him wanting to work things out with her so he could be closer to his son, hoping maybe hed give me some reassurance that it was me and not her that he wanted to be with and I got nothing. Maybe i'm just asking too much from a guy?? And don't give me the whole "He's with you isn't he?" That doesnt always mean shit, that could just be a "well she'll take me so I guess I'll settle for that for now" type thing. But as usual that could just be a me thing...my brain makes a mess out of lots of things. I tend, no my brain tends to make mole hills out of ant hills I guess you could say on most things, I could turn most happy things gloomy, I guess thats what my life has done to me... everyone is always telling me to think positive but as I get older the harder for me that is to do. I tend to try to get myself in the mindset of thinking positive and then something happens and bam there goes that happy thought...i think it may stem from my childhood...no sooner then i would begin thinking that maybe some good would come of the situation and begin to thinkin positve thoughts about it something would happen to knock me back into reality where it wasnt all sunshine and roses. I didnt have the best childhood, I mean it wasnt horrible in the sense of I grew up in a foster home and had to wear potatoe sacks to go to church kinda thing...and please dont think im making fun of orphanges or anything of the sort because thats the farthest from the truth. But in the sense of I was the oldest of 2 kids, living in a single parent home where my mom worked sometimes 2 jobs to make ends meet, so many times i was the caretaker of my not so nice (easiest word to use I guess) brother while my mom was at work. Let's put it this way, I dealt with a bunch of shit fom him while my mom was working...the usual brother/sister arguing, name calling and all that included...we shared a room because that was all my mom could afford was 2 bedrooms most of the time..at one time we shared a one bedroom while my mom had a corner of the living room that she had a bed in, so i didnt have much room to hide things...like money...my brother had friends over and they would steal my cds and break them or they would steal my money i had hidden. I was told numerous times that I was not his mother so he didnt have to listen to anything I said and that he could do what he wanted. I was simply repeating what our mom had told us before leaving for work..the usual...do homework, no going to friends houses or having friends over while she wasnt home. I had apparently kept him from doing things one too many times because the next thing I know he is coming into the kitchen with a metal baseball bat that my mother kept in her room for protection should she need it. He chased me through the house swinging the bat at me, im thankful he was never able to actually hit me though, I was able to make my way into the bathroom with the phone and lock myself in and call my mom, fortunlety she just worked up the road at that time and was able to come right home, almost loosing her job in the proccess for leaving though. My brother was never appreciative of anything while we were growing up but thats for another day, as usual my brain has wandered and this is where it has ended up.  

Harsh Reality

 Falling flat on your face and not knowing how to fix everything. Holding out the hope that your job will return before the shit truly hits the fan, only to be hit square in the face with the reality that its not and now you're going to be forced to do the one thing you did not want to do but unfortunately are being backed into a corner to do. I knew the harsh possibility that my job was not going to be going back anytime soon and yet I chose to do nothing about it, yes, there is no need to rub it in my face that it was inevitable and that I should have done something long ago but this is part of being a dreamer, you want to believe that things will work out the way you'd planned in the dream reality that is your mind... from dreams of childhood, high school or beyond crushes becoming more, and if you're anything like me, you dreamt of that perfect relationship that you see in the movies or read about in books, unfortunately I've reached the age of 35 and still have yet to locate any of these things. As I continue on this path I realize, that this dream like world I have so childishly created in my head is NOTHING like reality... no one has the perfect relationship, most neighbors do not know each other like they do in those shows we watch as teens (and as adults), and not everyone who dreams of becoming that mother that helps with homework or bakes those cookies, ends up being a mother (honestly I don't know if I will ever be able to come to terms with this one). I sit and watch everyone around me with their kids and pieces break every day. My heart aches to hold my own baby, to be called mommy, to kiss that skinned knee after they've fallen off their bike. I used to think that mayb if I was never able to have one of my own biologically, that who I ended up being with would have kids and I could be that mother figured....there goes my dreaming again...to dream of being that motherly figure, for them to call me mom and feel that I was a bonus mom for them. To come to me when they had issues and didn't know who to turn to. All of those dreams.... ya...again with harsh reality. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriends kids don't hate me...that I know of...but they are older and don't need that figure that I dream to be to someone. This is how my brain works...it literally jumps all over the place, from thought to thought and most times I have to pretend to be ok, that nothing is bothering me...when in all actuality my brain is going a mile a minute reminding me of all these problems and bringing up all these feelings and deep down I just want to scream and cry and hide, but I dont, I push through it and put on that smile or laugh and lie through my teeth that I'm ok. Anyways, the whole getting off topic is the norm for my brain, back to my original beginning... im falling flat on my face...my job has had a potential return date and has fallen off the calendar both time. Ive been on unemployment since March, and just received the harsh reality that I have completely exhausted my benefits... I did the extended benefits but may have to wait 4 weeks to be told if I'm good to go or not to receive unemployment again. Well now unfortunately I'm facing the reality of not knowing what to do since that was pretty much my only form of income...$153 a week... out of that comes $125... weekly...for my car payment and my car insurance.... now comes the hard face palm that yes I have to find a job..be it only temporarily depending on my job...I absolutely love my job...only one I have ever truly been able to say I love... to the point that when I have to call off...which is only when I Absolutely have to...it completely kills me... I have literally cried one time when I had to call off because it was the last thing I wanted to do. Mind you I had no choice...I woke up and immediately realized there was no way I was making it to work...I tried standing up and my head felt like it weighed 500 pounds and it was pounding so loud that I yelled for my mom even though she would have been able to hear me. My body felt like I got ran over by a semi truck and I instantly fell back on my bed. I called my boss and immediately started crying when I told her I was not going to be making it in. She knew that if I was calling off that something had to be wrong because I'm not one to call off. Ugg again trailing off... Anyways.... now I've screwed up and had to refile for unemployment because I've exhausted all my weeks and my job still doesn't have a return date for work, so now I've lost that $153 check all because I had the stupid thought that everything would work out and my job would be back to work. Now I'm left digging myself a hole and just wanting to stay there..