Harsh Reality

 Falling flat on your face and not knowing how to fix everything. Holding out the hope that your job will return before the shit truly hits the fan, only to be hit square in the face with the reality that its not and now you're going to be forced to do the one thing you did not want to do but unfortunately are being backed into a corner to do. I knew the harsh possibility that my job was not going to be going back anytime soon and yet I chose to do nothing about it, yes, there is no need to rub it in my face that it was inevitable and that I should have done something long ago but this is part of being a dreamer, you want to believe that things will work out the way you'd planned in the dream reality that is your mind... from dreams of childhood, high school or beyond crushes becoming more, and if you're anything like me, you dreamt of that perfect relationship that you see in the movies or read about in books, unfortunately I've reached the age of 35 and still have yet to locate any of these things. As I continue on this path I realize, that this dream like world I have so childishly created in my head is NOTHING like reality... no one has the perfect relationship, most neighbors do not know each other like they do in those shows we watch as teens (and as adults), and not everyone who dreams of becoming that mother that helps with homework or bakes those cookies, ends up being a mother (honestly I don't know if I will ever be able to come to terms with this one). I sit and watch everyone around me with their kids and pieces break every day. My heart aches to hold my own baby, to be called mommy, to kiss that skinned knee after they've fallen off their bike. I used to think that mayb if I was never able to have one of my own biologically, that who I ended up being with would have kids and I could be that mother figured....there goes my dreaming again...to dream of being that motherly figure, for them to call me mom and feel that I was a bonus mom for them. To come to me when they had issues and didn't know who to turn to. All of those dreams.... ya...again with harsh reality. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriends kids don't hate me...that I know of...but they are older and don't need that figure that I dream to be to someone. This is how my brain works...it literally jumps all over the place, from thought to thought and most times I have to pretend to be ok, that nothing is bothering me...when in all actuality my brain is going a mile a minute reminding me of all these problems and bringing up all these feelings and deep down I just want to scream and cry and hide, but I dont, I push through it and put on that smile or laugh and lie through my teeth that I'm ok. Anyways, the whole getting off topic is the norm for my brain, back to my original beginning... im falling flat on my face...my job has had a potential return date and has fallen off the calendar both time. Ive been on unemployment since March, and just received the harsh reality that I have completely exhausted my benefits... I did the extended benefits but may have to wait 4 weeks to be told if I'm good to go or not to receive unemployment again. Well now unfortunately I'm facing the reality of not knowing what to do since that was pretty much my only form of income...$153 a week... out of that comes $125... weekly...for my car payment and my car insurance.... now comes the hard face palm that yes I have to find a job..be it only temporarily depending on my job...I absolutely love my job...only one I have ever truly been able to say I love... to the point that when I have to call off...which is only when I Absolutely have to...it completely kills me... I have literally cried one time when I had to call off because it was the last thing I wanted to do. Mind you I had no choice...I woke up and immediately realized there was no way I was making it to work...I tried standing up and my head felt like it weighed 500 pounds and it was pounding so loud that I yelled for my mom even though she would have been able to hear me. My body felt like I got ran over by a semi truck and I instantly fell back on my bed. I called my boss and immediately started crying when I told her I was not going to be making it in. She knew that if I was calling off that something had to be wrong because I'm not one to call off. Ugg again trailing off... Anyways.... now I've screwed up and had to refile for unemployment because I've exhausted all my weeks and my job still doesn't have a return date for work, so now I've lost that $153 check all because I had the stupid thought that everything would work out and my job would be back to work. Now I'm left digging myself a hole and just wanting to stay there..